Wednesday, June 18, 2014

daily thoughts

Somebody told me she was always doing what her parents told her but kinda regret not going to parties and spending her half life with studying when she was a uni stident. She said now she thinks it doesn't matter if she does as her parents tell her or not cos she would have end where she is anyways only she would have more experience in life and more fun, more sweet memories. 

I was thinking about for days now, i kinda feel like she has right but in the same time she doesn't. I have something in my life what i truly regret not doing, cos i did as my parents told me. My biggest regret is not staying in Korea when i could. I should just take the money what my parents sent me for my planeticket, rent a room and search for a job, any kind of job. They'd hate me for it i'm so sure, but i'd spare so many hardship in my life. I was very naive back than, i thought i will come home my family will be very happy and they realize during a whole year how much they missed me and how much they love me and how important i am for them and most of all i hoped they will treat me as an adult. I was totally wrong. When i can home the first thing they did was fighting over who to hug first, then they schold me for my piercings and said mean things that who knows where else i have piercings too (down there y'know) like a whore. It didn't take 2 weeks and everything went back as it used to be. I had to bring my sistre to the kindergarten in the morning, i had to clean the house, cook, wash dishes, wash the clothes, feed the animals etc etc just like Cinderella. Missing me for 1 year didn't make them realize how much help i was, i never got a "thank you" for my work. Meanwhile my medium sister who is the Nr1 fav in my family was playing on her computer and never helped me. My parents said she doesn't have to cos she was helping instead of me when i was absent. Great! She never helped me before, now she worked for a year instead of me (i wonder) and she doesn't have to do anything anymore in the rest of her life...
guess u see my problem.
I also got scold many times when i was on my phone/computer, they said i do nothing all day but surfing the net. 
They blamed my non-existent korean boyfriend for not visiting me, cos they truly believed i have a secret bf. My dad even called him a jerk. 
And these are just a few... i ended up with a mental breakdown, depression and finally hospitalized. You don't know how much i wanted to end my life. The only thing kept the hope in me was the idea of returning to Korea and live my own life.
Everybody's telling my i should move out but where?how? i have nowhere to go, if i rent a flat i have to prepay 2 months, i don't have the money for that. i can't go to work next to school - what my parents forced on me, useless shit. i have no bf to move into his place and i don't want to find somenody just for that...

I could spare all of this if i don't come home that time. I'd live a more happy life i'm sure. Even thought my friends would return but until we reunite i could make more korean friends, instead of gaining 12kg cos of emotional eating i could lose my baby fat, maybe i'd meet a nice guy too. 

Maybe in the end that girl was right, all of this won't matter cos i will end up in Korea, but they do matter cos they hurt, they make me struggle. Maybe all the bed are for something good, so i will appreciate it when it comes, i can never know. But i know one thing, i will never ever do as i am told if i my heart whispers the opposite.

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