Monday, June 2, 2014

am i worthy enough yet?

today my grandmother came to pick up something and told me she planned to bring me to our vacation house to a lake for a week after my exams. ALONE. 

hmm. well it was really nice from her to think about me but (maybe becouse i'm oversensitive sometimes) she hurt me. a lot. 
i told her what could i do up there for one week? there's no internet, no heating system if the weather gets bad, no shops, no parks, nothing at all. 

she asked me what do i do when i'm home alone? let me think, i make a smoothie for breakwast (we don't have a mixer at the vacation house), then i watch cartoons on TV (only 3 chanels there and not the ones i watch), i do some yoga via internet (i can't remember the rutin of any practice but sun salutation), i check the sites i daily read (again, no internet) and i cook lunch, and workout using internet videos, i read books (finally one thing i can do anywhere!) when my sister comes home from school i play with her and then dinner and yoga and watching movies via internet. Okay i see the point, it's kinda sad that my life depends on the internet now, but if i'd live in a big city i would go to sightsee etc, but where our VH is... let me call it nicely a tiny village where the next village is 45 minutes far by walk. 
Then my granny reveald me her plan.I can go to the lake, bring my books, go to swim and make friends with guys. That would be a nice plan but if the season'd begun already but it didn't. So i don't see a lot of chance to meet so many guys. And as you know me do you think if i read a book i pay attention to anybody near me? N-O.

It's still very cute from her so far. Just how she looked at me... it was like the 8000th attempt from my family to make me date guys. And that is what hurts me. 
My family has this stupid idea that i should be married already, if not at least i should have a boyfriend so they can calm down cos we will get married. But i don't have a bf and the fact that i don't want to date anybody makes them worried to death. 
I could never understand this, why is it so important to get married so young with the first person who comes in my way? 

But the worst comes just now. They make feel like i'm not worthy enough until i'm single. Like a girl only can be accepted in the community if she has somebody on her side. Like i am only a half person until i don't find somebody to complete me. I feel how they look down at me. How afraid they are to tell it to other people when they ask about me. "Our daughter? Umm well she isn't married yet" but they lie. I have a nice bf for long so they expect a wedding soon. Relief. They believed it. What a shame i am. 

Why can't i just be perfect by myself? Why can't i be worthy alone? Why do they want to force me to meet guys just becouse they like me? Nobody cares if i don't like the person.
Why can't i just enjoy my life, learn who i am, make friends with myself first, learn to love myself? I believe until i don't learn to love myself i can't give real love to any other person.
Why do they have to force things to happen so fast? What if i will get married one day, but when i'm over 30 but with a really great person who loves me as i am and who i can love as he is? 

I know so many girls who force themselves into unhappy relationships only becouse people around them what that. They are totally lost alone cos they don't know who they are unless they are with a guy. Cos they aren't themselves, they are the person the guy wants so he won't break up when he gets something else. 
I find it very sad. 
We should embrace ourself as we are, and the right person will pop up in our life in the right moment and it will be so natural, we won't have to force anything and we will be infinitely happy.
I believe. 

Here's something to read, what my friend sent me when i told her about this things.

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