Wednesday, July 18, 2012

today is so depressed

Today is so sad and depressed.
I realized in the morning i have nothing left.
I mean, no dreams, no home, i even feel i lost many of friends.
First of all, i woke up around 9am realizing
i have no dreams left. It was my dream and goal
to come to Korea and live here, and now,
i only have 33 days left. Which means if i go home,
i will have no dreams. I feel so empthy.
I never fulfilled any dreams of mine wich was so big.
And now i have to leave my dream, and i can't do anything.

Second is, the typhoon arrived yesterday, so it's raining
without stopping. As you all know, i love rain more
than anything but it makes me feel a bit depressed.
I can't go out, i can't do anything but be in the room.

The third thing is: i had no money to pay my phone bill,
so they blocked my phone. The only thing i can use
is the WiFi, what sucks in the dorm and in the school.
I'm happy if i can use it for 5 mins without any errors, etc...

I'm totally out of money. I told to my sister to ask my parents
to send me, but she didn't say anything but a simple "ok"
for my page long letter. Isn't she lovely?
I still didn't get any money, and even if i eat the cheapest
food i can find, my money won't last longer than friday.
And tomorrow is my fucking 22th birthday, and i
can't buy a fucking cake what i can share with my friends.
Becouse i don't want them to buy it....

And the saddest moment of the day,
i totally feel like i lost almost all of my friends. Am i too much?
I don't know.... maybe it's all my fault. I had so many friends
back home and 98% of them didn't even send me a short
message in facebook like "hey, how are you" or something.
No, nothing. And my best friends... i text them and they
don't answer... if they need anything i'm always there,
but if something hapenes to me and i want to tell it to
somebody, i text them and do you think i get answer?
If you think NO, then you are right. Maybe i complain
too much... i admit it. But it's not that easy to leave so far
from everything you had before, even if i have friends here
i can't tlak about everything cuz they don't know so much
as my friends home, the won't understand everything...
But it hurts, that i'm always there and i only need a reply
like "don't worry, everything is gonna be ok" but they
can't give that to me. I don't care if they read it or not, just
could you say something? Just to make me feel alive,
cuz now i kinda feel like nobody cares about me...
They don't need me in their life, i guess. This week what did i get?
Nothing at all. Not an email, not a facebook message, nothing on earth.
Nothing from my friends, nothing from my family.
And i contacted them, so i don't think it's my fault, i always contact them.
Maybe that's the problem. I'm simple too much for everybody and
they get tired of me.
Like how it is usually with boys... they always get tired of me pretty soon.

And my home... i feel like i have no home anymore.
I feel like i don't belong there anymore. I mean Hungary and
wher my family lives. I never really belonged there.
Since i know my mind i was the weird girl...
Now i feel i find the place for me, this is where i really belong
but i have to leave, and return where i can't find myself...
If i go back nothing will be the same, i won't feel home
as i never felt. And even more, maybe we will move so
the new place will be even less a place i can call home.

I'm not excited at all... go back to a country i don't like,
to the fmaily it doesn't care about me, to the friends they
stoped care about me, to the home it's no my home anymore...
And i can't even enjoy my last 33 days... Why?
Becouse i have to buy souvenirs to the people they don't care
about me... becouse they only care about the present.
Frankly, that is the last thing i want... to spend my money and time
on people they don't spend one minute on me...
Anyways, i'm always the bad daughter, the bad person and
etc, so what if i just don't buy anything for them?


Lillyrose said...

Don't worry Honey ! Everything gonna be okay!

Now you're living in your dreams. Coming home doesn't mean you left your dreams. You just come home to finish university and other businesses and cases of yours.

Don't forget that everybody has to fight for the dreams. You were lucky because you could experience it earlier than others because you had a great opportunity and you used it!

Don't waste your time feeling depressed and being sad when you're in your dreamworld. Don't be silly ! Millions child were you,they were in your place at this moment, believe me! Even if you feel bad because of the happenings but you know sometimes sun is shining and other times it is raining as in the nature and it is OK in this way.

Just promise yourself that when you come back "home" you will work on return Korea with your all power. Life's like this you have to fight to achieve something. Don't take it for granted ! This is a huge gift from the fate that you can be there.

And I think you should buy some little souvenirs for your family and your friends because without them now you can't be in Korea I think.

Good Luck Honey! Don't worry but try to make unforgattable those 33 days ;)

Narancsvirág☮ said...

Thank you! <3

That is my only plan to work on the returning to Korea :)

Of course i will buy them souvenirs, but frankly even my parents still think that i'm an idiot to came here, and it's all useless to learn korean and if it depends on them i would never go anywhere. :(

But you have right, i have nothing left just enjoy my 29 days (now i only have 29 left) :)

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